i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
