My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
