i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
