i was born a porn star she said
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
