I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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