I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
