I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
