my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
