Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
