The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Randomize
