it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
