I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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