I should be sponsored by Trojan
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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