Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
