Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
