He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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