You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
