..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
