Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
That was before I lit my hair on fire
God I need to hump something, right now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
