Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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