so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
