oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
