I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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