one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if only i could text you this smell
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize