I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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