You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize