I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
