I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
