Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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