Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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