And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
