apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
