Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
