Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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