i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
