So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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