I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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