So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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