Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
