I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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