Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize