When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
