the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You made out with two different species that night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
