She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
