my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
