I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
