i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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