It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sober January is a disaster.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
