I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize