It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
