Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
