I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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