Sponge bath it is.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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