guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just invented taco cereal.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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