i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
