I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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