sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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